Hindsight is 20/20: Story by Bill

A multi millionare once contracted me to kill his wife, but I'm more of a hustler than anything else, so I worked him for about $8,000 and warned the wife to watch her back at the same time . I probably saved her life. And I have the newspaper clippings to prove it. I was once extradited from New Jersey to California for shoplifting, and when I got out 90 days later I won $25,000 on the price is right, and I have the dated extradition papers and the Price is Right tape to prove it.

This is the story about a decision I made over 20 years ago and how that decision has affected every aspect of my life to this day. The choice I made is a choice people have been making since the beggining of time, the choice between right wrong. At the time I made this choice I had no idea it would cost me over 15 years of my life. As I sit here in my 6ft. by 8ft cell with nothing but time memories.

I've decided to put pen to paper and share with the world what I've learned. Sometimes my memory escapes me, so forgive me if I bounce around. Right now I'm in Monmouth County Correctional facility waiting to be extradited to California for commercial burglary, its a fancy word for shoplifting. Years ago I got caught coming out of a retail store with a t. v.

I've done it thounsands of times, thats right, thousands of times. I walk in and take whatever I want, put it in a cart, and walk smooth out. I didnt stick shit down my pants, I didnt look all around like a junkie looking for a fix,I took whayever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

This applied to alot more than just merchandise,beer, and food, this included cars jewlery, and teeth.

Thats right teeth, many men are walking this earth with less teeth then when we met. My lifestyle has made it possible for me to see all four corners of this great country. This is going to sound fucked up, but I might as well say it now, I,ve been to prison in all four corners as well. Just so you know I was trying to attend an N. A. meeting on a Naval base in N. J. when the gatewatchman ran my drivers liscence because of 9/11 they now check all civilians entering the base,make a long story short, I got busted because of Osama Bin Fucking Laden. I would also like you to know Ive never done time for a "bullshit"crime.


I once did a bid for a crime I did not commit, me and some freinds of mine were on our way home from a softball game drunk and high when some assholes from another town started talking shit to the smallest guy in our crew, it was getting dark and they didnt see the bat. And unfortunetly for me I did'nt see my exgirlfreind who was with those assholes who started the whole thing by talking shit and not being able to back it up.

That ex of mine dropped my name and I caught a 10 year bid for agg. assault with a deadly weapon and I did not hit anybody with a weapon I dont mean to brag but I've never needed a weapon, dont get me wrong I've lost quite a few fights, anyone who tells you that theyve never lost is probably a coward, it means he has not had that many fights, and lets just say I've won alot more than Ive lost. Maybe your wondering why I went to prison for a crime I did'nt commit? Because I was already living by the 1 rule of all outlaws, never snitch. I've also done a strech for cat burglaries, somthing me and my old crew used to pull off like walking in the park, and no one ever got hurt. We started out breaking into cars and tool sheds and eventualy working our way into peoples windows.

I was once inside a house unhooking a vcr when I heard the stairs creek I looked up and saw a 400 lb. woman looking at me,she said who the fuck are you ? I looked her dead in the eye and said I'm with your son, he's in the bathroom. She said tell him I said to hold the fucking noise down. Luckily my road dog had been in the bathroom with light on looking for scrips. We were very reckless back then, but it didnt take us long to find out you didnt have to break into someones house to get some used shit, when we could walk into a store and get some new shit, and when we got busted it was only a shoplifting charge most of the time.

Thats right, not if we got busted but when,for if you play the "game" you will get busted. No matter if your game is boosting, pimping, drugs or even white collar crimes you will eventualy get popped. If you added all my bids together including all the little bullshit county streches I've done for fighting in public and shit like that in over 11 states scattered all over the U. S. , its over 13 years. You might be thinking I'm not a very good criminal, well its quite the opposit I got busted for maybe 1 in a 1'000 crimes. Incase your wondering I have long since retired from my life of crime and have had a real job for over 8 years. I should also tell you that if I had'nt used drugs and put all my ill gotten spoils into cash and saved the money, I would be close to a millionare, and I shit you not.

I'm not saying I would'nt change anything in my past, but I dont regret the lifestyle I've lived. I've had some life experiences that I wouldnt trade for anything. When I was a youngster I knew a girl who babysat for a big time pot dealer and we used to pinch a little everyday, well me and the babysitter had a fight, so I figure on robbing the pot dealer, but when me and my boys get there her stash isnt in the same spot, so I tell the fellas to search the pad, and my buddy Mike yells to me from the kitchen and when I look in there every single kitchen cabnit is packed full of weed. We ended up with over 17 pounds. I think I spent maybe one night at home that whole summer,we were the richest kids in town, we would take cabs to Manhatten, and Six flags.

We did more acid that summer than most people at Woodstock. But this is not a "drugalog" it is not all fun and games. Out of the 5 guys who I used to run with back then I am the only one living a semi-normal life, 1 is dead,2 are in prison, and 1 is homeless and he can barely hold a conversation,his brain is toast. And when that pot ran out I tryed to go back home to mommy daddy, but my parents had had enough of my bullshit, and I spent most of that fridged winter sleeping in the hallway of an apartment building, and the back seat of an abandonded car. But I am a big beleiver in a qoate by Gangus Kahn in 1218, "that wich does not kill me only makes me stronger".

I beleive with all my heart that every past minute of my life can be used to better every second of my world. Like the time I gave a bum 2 bucks on my way out of a dope hole in East L. A. and the next day he got me out of a sure bust when L. A. P. D. seen me walking to my car put me up against the wall the bum came running up and said why yall hastling my boss? He remembered I had a Red Lobster shirt on the day before and told the cops he was a dishwasher their and I had just droped him off. Luckily the shirt was still in my car and the cops let me bounce with 2 ounces of blow down my pants.

Or when I had the love of a good woman,a beutiful, wonderful person. Dont get me wrong, I've had plenty of women, but none like this one, she was the one and only, the whole package. The one who could have changed me if only I would have let her,but at the time, the outlaw in me was to strong. And thats why ladies love outlaws,they want to tame us. If I am nothing else, I am an outlaw. But this woman was special, she is the one I think about when I'm in a cold and lonly cell, she is the one I think about when I'm in a $400 dollar a night suite with 3 high priced call girls and she's the one I wish I could make it all up to.

But like I said that wich does not kill me... Like the time I was coming down the stairs of a crackhouse with a young kid who was maybe 17 and what I thought was homeless guy on the bottom stair turned out to be a stick up boy looking for a victim he was on the bottom step, and when he stood up, he said give me the shit, me being the kind of guy I was at the time, I said I dont know what the fuck your talking about. He said give me the shit and the youngster who was with me said Irish just give him the coke. At that point I relised to late that the stick up boy was really really dope sick, he was shaking like a leaf and he said oh you wanna lie cracker and he put one in my kneecap I screamed like a bitch and threw the dope at him.

My connection hears the shot, comes out, and carries me to the bus stop, dials 911, and bounces. By the way, youngster was half way to Jersey, he ran like the wind, and now that I look back I dont blame him. I'll tell you about a time I was a scared youngster, I was sitting in this very same county jail I'm in right now about 20 yrs. ago, and I had just been scentenced to 10 yrs. and even though I had been to juvi, I was still scared of the Big House. My cellie was an old con who was doing his 4th, and last, prison term.

(life)So I asked him, Pops, whats the worst thing about prison? I was expecting him to say your gonna get fucked or robbed for your shit, and beat down, but he looked me dead in the eye and said youngster, the worst thing about prison is that you get used to it. Truer words were never spoken. I used to wake up in the middle of the night after 2years down, and be like where the fuck am I? Now I can have 1 night in the drunk tank and not only do I know where I am, but I know what to expect and the whole rutine.

I started out this story with a purpose in mind,to tell you how to keep out of a jam if you ever happen to end up behind the wall. And I will, but first let me tell you a little bit about myself, and why I'm qualified to preach this paticular sermon. When I had about 3 yrs in I could sit on my rack and tell you who was on duty just listening to the gaurd walk. Prisons are there own little universes, you dont think so? Let me explain, they have there own galaxy. Imagine if every time you were lucky enough to be outside, you looked up and saw the exact same patch of sky. More than just sights, prison also has its own sounds smells and tastes,I'll give you an example of each. The sound of a cell door sliding shut is like no other sound in the world, for the first 2 years I would rather have heard nails on a chalkboard, but like the old man said, I got used to it. As for sights, if youre lucky, your cell has a 4 inch window were you can look out and see what seems to be miles of barbed ,razorwire, with a gaurdtower at every corner.

With a man and a high power rifle hoping he gets to do what he has trained for his whole career, shot a convict. As for smells, that one beleive it or not is the worst, the others, you can escape, just close your eyes and eat somthing good while listening to your headset, but the smell, of fear, and sweat, and cheap cleanser, is like nothing else in the world. I imagine that this smell is centuries old, I once took a girlfriend to an abortion clinic, and that same over powering stench hit me like a left hook. I had to go wait in the car. I will say this much, thanks to some good cons, I've had some of the best meals in my life behind the wall, bullshit you think? Well imagine a half ass chef,with half ass ingrediants, but now remember he has years and years and years to conncoct his brew. Its true,practice makes perfect.

But I have also eatensome of the worst shit you can imagine, in L. A. county jail,if you go to the hole, they give you what they call jupeball,it consists of what ever there having thrown in a blender and then baked into a sponge like patty, maybe you didnt hear me I said what ever your having, as in bologne, bread, fruit, and rice or potato, blended together, baked and served 2 or 3 hours later cold, and you will eat it, eventually, because like everything else, you get used to it. L. A. county jail is THE WORST PLACE IN THE U. S. A. to do time.

I've researched this subject, trust me. It holds more people than any other jail in the country, on some of the floors its like a huge gymnaisium filled with bunkbeds so close to eachother that its like one giant bed with 300 dope sick junkies, and winos, and you. And that is one rough camp, you will get beat down by the gaurds quicker than shit, don't even think of saying boo. They will kill you. Allthough, one time about 25 or 30 years ago, a small Asian kid, who spoke no english, kicked the living shit out of a few deputies,( by the way, dont ever call a deputy: guard, or c. o. ) anyway this youngster got hold of one of the deps nightsticks and rumor has it they had to get his old man to come in and calm him down,they would have just killed him, but it got out to local media to fast that there was a ninja beating down deputies. Let me tell you right now that your chances of getting fucked are almost nill, if you have even an ounce of fight, they will move on , besides there are alot of gay people who want it to happen. I know that was a very nasty thing to say, but its a fact.

Depending on what part of the country your in has alot to do with how you should do your time, but if you follow the one golden rule you should be alright. I'm going to tell you some of the basic rules that apply to all prisons and jails naitionwide. Like I said, mind your own business. But in the joint,you have to take that to a whole new level,heres some examples of some shit I've seen over the years, I once saw a man get knocked out for saying godbless you to a black guy who sneezed, he was a member of the 5% gang and they beleive that they are true creators and to say god bless you is a major no no. I was once sitting in a chow hall when somone said pass the salt, some newboot reached clear across the table and got knocked the fuck out, you see, he reached over another mans food to get to the salt. So when I say mind your own buisness I MEAN MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, act as if you are deaf and blind but not dumb. Once a fish said to an old con, hey my man, are you sitting here?

The con says I'm not your man, and spit a rasor out of his mouth and sliced open this kids face. I will say this, the fish new enough not to snitch,they grilled him for days, and threw him in "protective costody" witch is the same as the hole, and he never told who scared him, so that when he did finaly get out on the yard he got respect. About a year later he stuck a peice of metal in that guys chest. So dont think you'll always be on the bottom of the food chain. But the fish wouldnt have got sliced in the first place if he hadnt called somone out of their name,if you dont know somones name be careful how you approach them,if a guy tells you his name is Divine Master and you want to tell him somthing, either call him Divine Master, or be ready to fight. I was once witness to a sword fight, but instead of swords, they had mop ringers. A shotcaller is a convict with time in and skills, somone the other cons look to as a leader.

At the time I was in Chino state prison playing cards and a shotcaller was watching T. V. and he got up to piss, after he was gone about 10 minutes a fish changed the channel, the shotcaller comes back and changes it back this idiot of a fish reaches out and changes the channel again. After he get up from getting knocked on his ass by a right cross, he walks to the slop closet and grabs a mop wringer and heads toward the S. C. when one of the S. C. soldiers grabs a mop wringer and gives it to his leader, they went blow for blow, for about 6 minutes wich is a long time for a fight inside.

But this guy didnt get "voted in" as shotcaller, hes the toughest son of a bitch on the yard, and he hit that fish so hard upside the head his eyes spun like a slot machine. Heres an old prison trick that happens every time some new boots hit the yard, theres always some weak fish that stands out, theyll find a candybar on their bunks that night and sometimes theyll be smart and hold it and then ask whos is this? But most times, hunger will kick in,and they will eat it at night very quietly like a mouse nibbling on a peice of cheese, while trying not to set off the trap. And sure enough the gates bust for chow in the morning and this is how it went down when I saw it happen, some preditor walked in to the fishtank right up to the weak fish and he says yo wheres that candybar I left on that bunk?I guess you must of got hungry and ate it huh?

Well when you get your money just give me 2 back ok? Right there hes trying you. No fucking way does a real con pay 2 for 1, unless its of his own accord. So weakfish says no problem, my people got loot, I'll be going to the store every time its open I got mad paper. (money) He might as well have taken out an ad in the Folsom Times that said PLEASE USE ME. Now that the fish took the bait the preditor says:You no good motherfuking punk ass bitch, my daughter saved her alowence all month, and spent it all on family visit day, and I promised her I'd have it when I get out in 2 weeks, how the fuck are you gonna make it right? Needless to say, that fish had a new Daddy, and the preditor never made parole.


You always have to keep your guard up wether youve been there 2 weeks or 40 years. However keeping your gaurd up for years on end,will have its after affects,to this day if I'm at a bar I will usallly have my back to the wall,and I can smell a fight before it happens on the otherside of the bar, while I'm egaged in deep conversation with a young hottie, time and focus, heightens your scences. I can finish a meal in about 15 seconds,if need be. I'm not instationalised, but, I am conditioned to prison life. There are also certain words wich are out of bounds on the inside,Ive seen alot of people get knocked out for telling someone to shut up, now I'm not telling you that you cant tell someone to shut up, I'm telling you be ready to fight if you do. Now I'll tell you some good things about being on the inside of a prison, thats right good things.

You are mistaken if you think there arent any. First and far most are some of the freindships I made. How many of youre freinds would walk into a knife fight with you? Or stand in the way of a bullet?Let me tell you a little story, my freind Ballistic sold football tickets, and if you won he paid you, and the Crips had a pool where if you won somtimes they paid you, so they told Ballistic to shut down shop, but he didnt get that name because of his calm demener, and he was my freind so he never stands alone. There where about 13 of us and 29 of them and Ballistc said to there top Dog, wanna shoot the one? Meaning do you want a one on one fight?

So there guy says Im gonna beat you down Kracka, and about 30 seconds into the fight the tower shots of a warning and the sirons go off, now, if you know whats good for you, when those sirens go off you had best be suction cupped to the ground and spread eagle. But he is my freind, and he will not stand alone. Make a long story short he got knocked the fuck out, but it was fair and square. By the way 1 of the crips was shot in the leg, and we all spent 2 months in the hole for insiting a riot.

You may ask, how is that a good thing, but how many of your freinds would have entered that situation?Another one of the benifits is time, time to read a novel, or write one. Time to work out,speaking of working out, heres a story about the biggest humanbeing I have ever seen barnone. His name was Hawk,he was a black guy who stood about 6ft5 and he was humoungus,he had mustles that were so big I think a fucking bullet would have bounced off. He had been down for 20 years when I met him, so you know it wasnt juice, he started out with a 9 year bid and cought a life scentence when he killed a c. o. this fucked up guard used to hit on Hawks wife every time she came to visit, and she told Hawk, this guard made life miserable for Hawk, and one day Hawk just lost it and killed him with a punch to the throat. As you can imagine Hawk was doing the roughest time there is, hole time.

It was my job to feed people in the hole,thats how I met him I used to sneek him smokes when I could. There was this one prick of a guard who used to ride Hawk all the time, he told him the real reason he killed that guard was because he found out he was fucking Hawks wife,thats when Hawk tryed to grab him through the bars but his arms were way to big and the c. o. put Hawk on paper status for months(paper gown,papercup,paper blanket)and it sucks,its very cold and uncomfortable. So Hawk pisses and shits in a cup and lets it sit for 3 days, and threw it in the gaurds face, who then ran smack into a concrete column and split his lip, but he had already hit the panic button and here I am the only guy outside a cell holding a fucking mop to boot,luckily the first screw on the sceen had watched it all unfold on screen otherwise I would have caught a serious beat down, as it was I got knocked upside the head and told if I told the fellas on the yard what Hawk did theyd kill me. Hawk was transferd to the local county jail with a new beef(agg. assualt)I never saw him again.

Another benifit of time is you can better your education, I've seen guys with 3 or more B. A. s and all kinds of degrees,over 75 percent of guys with high school diplomas got them on the inside. But truth be told,most cons dont have a h. s. d. I have read enough books to fill a small library. And if I can make 1 suggestion its read, read, read, books, newspapers, magazines, legal breifs, and whatever youre lucky enough to get your hands on, newspapers are very very valuable, and I once saw a man almost kicked to death over a newspaper. Knowledge is power,the more you know the more useful you are,the more useful you are, the less likely they are to fuck with you,so read, read, read. Ive learned to speak a little spanish, and Ive also read parts of the carran, and know many Muslims. I started out this story by telling you about a choice I had made, do you remember? I can pinpoint the exact moment in time, it was when a freind went to hand me a joint,I was 12 years old, up until that very moment, I had never broken a single law. If you are at that point in your life, I warn you, choose wisely.

~Bill

Kat Von D Sober

Kat Von D now clean and sober

One point for our side!!! (LOL)



Being clean and sober and following your dreams....nothing is cooler than that

4 years ago

4 years ago today I thought my life was over. Little did I know that this change was going to be for the best. Sometimes it's hard to say that... but deep down in my core I beileve it!
4 years ago today when he broke the habit by ending his life.... i wanted to take me and my unborn child with him. Know I know he served his purose and it was time for him to move on. I learned everything I need to learn. And it set me into a course of action that led me to where I am today!
Today I am a strong woman in sobriety! Wow... did I just say that? :) 4 years ago today I could have never seen this coming. Today I have a life beyond my wildest dreams! And it only gets better!
I know that I would not be here if I hadn't walked up to the door and found the coroners seal 4 years ago today.
RIP Heath

I did the unthinkable.....

My Name is Dale and I'm an alcoholic.

I achieved 5 years sobriety November 6, 2003. My life was a mess: I had no sponsor or support and I'd made my then wife my higher power; I was doomed. a month later I found myself in jail after a 3 week run on alcohol and meth. That was December 7, 2003.

REWIND...

I had my 2 first whole drinks with my father at 6 years old. I remember them well.

Although we were a dysfunctional / alcoholic family, my parents did their best to raise my brother, sister and myself well. Because of abuse and molestation unknown to my parents I beacme very problematic and began to seriously drink at 8 and I was using cocaine daily at 13.

My life seemed managable until I was in my late 20's. I had a career in aerospace and earned a good salary. Outward apearences displayed a fairly normal person but inwardly and privately I was as sick as they come. I stared to stay away from even my drinking friends and gravitated toward those who drank and used hard. I was killing myself slowly and didn't care.

I was laid off from my job in 2003 and couldn't find anything that came close to paying what I was earning and getting dugs and buying alcohol in the quantities I needed became harder and harder to do. My life was unraveling and I couldn't bare to see my family or friends. I hated myself and was closer than ever to suicide. I became schizophrenic as I drank more and used more meth, cocaine and dexedrine. When I had little money I made my own speed out of inhalers, bathtub crank was what we called it.

By November of 1998 I had dissapered from my home, lived in shot out hotels in downtown Los Angeles or on the streets of Hollywood and LBC. I was lost, broken and without any care for myself. I felt worthless, alone and despaired. I wanted to die.

God though had other ideas. A man came to me and offered to get me into a program and even though I said no that day, 3 weeks later I changed my mind. i still don't know why I did. I can't say that I had a spiritual awakening yet and I certainly didn't feel like I wanted to really change but I said I'd try.

I did the unthinkable: I completed a program, attended meetings, worked the steps and followed direction.

I spent the next 5 years clean and sober and helping others. I met a very pretty woman and we married. Her 2 kids plus the one we had together made 3 and life was good for awhile. Things fell apart after 4 years.

I will avoid the usual finger pointing and blame. We destroyed our marriage and our lives together.

After 5 years and 2 weeks I was out there. Alcohol and Meth and crimes. I was strung out overnight... terrified and desperate. Thoughts of suicide began again.

On December 7, 2003. I found myself in county jail exhausted, broken and alone again. My wife wasn't with me when I was arrested and her and the children were safe. I had a decision to make. I flushed an 1/8 ounce of meth down the toilet in jail that the Sheriffs had missed in 3 searches. that's where my road back to recovery began.

In jail my wife divorced me and left the state with my son. I was hard timing it inside undil I entered The Sheriffs Treatment Program in side the jail. I was released and alone but I went to meetings, returning to the family I had known before. I worked hard to learn about myself and what made me who and what I am and how to not become who I had been ever again.

I'm happy to say that how I live my life now is simple: I live in today, do my best to work and play well with others, spend time with my God, follow the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous and LIVE.

Now, I'm a drug and alcohol counselor, I work with new comers in the rooms and at last I am at peace with myself. With others and with God" I love working with others and showing the love that others have shown me.

I am content with my life because the God of my understanding loves me and to prove it He gave me all of you as my brothers and sisters.

Last Friday, December 7, I celebrated 4 years of recovery.

My name is Dale Schuck and I am a grateful, recovering alcoholic.

Thank you.

Doing something different

That night I bought 12 hits of esctasy...by that point. that's what I needed to feel what you were feeling I ate 6 and snorted up 2...and put the rest in my pocket and walked out of the bathroom

I had depleated my natural serotonin so badly....that that I was mad or sad...that was it....only if I ate a handful of pills...could I feel ok for a minute...but it never lasted....and I would look in disgust at those feeling the effects...and start checking my pockets for more money.

I got tired of that life...and decided drugs were my problem stoped doing speed, e, coke, k, acid...and just started drinking. That way I could be a normal human being like you.

It was fun to be apart of normal society...going to legal clubs and bars. Alcohol gave me a feeling of relief at the end of the week.

When I got into an arguement with someone...or acted the fool...the next day I never blammed it on the alcohol...what did the alcohol have to do with it

blackouts began.....I did not pass out...just forgot bits and pieces of the evening, and that secretly scared me.

I began to start drinking after everyone else began to control it, I change the types of alcohol I consumed, I changed the people I drank with

I thought I was trying something new...but I was trying the same thing over and over and over...expecting a new result

I did not want to give up alcohol...it was my friend...it made me smile, it made me dance, it made me say things I would never have the guts to say

...oh but it made me do things I would never do sober...and that scared me

one morning I awoke...the night before was not any worse than any other night...but I could see myself doing what I was doing.....I could finally see it as an outsider looking in...I started to cry...I knew I was defeated......my sister in law went to meetings so I knew where some were....I put my hair back...threw on a hoodie, and went...I knew if I stopped to think about it...I would talk myself out of it and be stuck again

I have almost 2 years clean and sober

I went and listened and found a way to really do something different this time


MC

Sober In So-Cal Invites you!!!!

Saturday December 22 at 3PM, at the bonfire pits in Huntington Beach, Ca will be the last day of filming for the documentary Sober In So Cal. The cast will be there, some of them meeting for the first time. Calling all sober people from Southern California and/or their supporters...for a late afternoon on the beach. Bring a sweater, a friend, and blanket or chair if you want to sit. We will be getting shots of the sober community together. Bring your sober friends and meet some new one's in the meantime. It will be casual and fun. Please mark your calander.....you are officially invited. Any questions? Go to our myspace to leave a message...

Click Here to go to our myspace

I Remember.....

i remember that horrible gut wrenching feeling i had. i remember the incomprehensible demoralization. i couldnt even look at myself in the mirror. i felt like there was a hole in my gut the size of a bowling ball. i was bankrupt. i had no God, No faith, and i was TIRED. the usual thing i would do when i felt like this was pick up the bottle or better yet the pipe... but i couldnt. the shit didnt work for me anymore. i remember i started drinking with the thought of 'if you cant beat em' you might as well join them' i started drinking because i didnt like the way i was feeling. and as ironic as it is, oct. 17th, 2004... i couldnt pick up the bottle or the pipe because it wasnt working anymore.

i was left with two options: either continue to live as if i were already dead. OR make a life changing decision and go to rehab. i went. i stayed for 16 months then moved back home to my moms. I have accomplished more in the 3 years ive been in recovery then i have in my 21 years of life. i got my GED. i went to college for drug and alcohol counseling- Graduated, and now i work with teenagers that are just like i was. i can look people in the eyes. and im comfortable in my own skin. i dont have all the money, cars, house with the white picket fence, prince charming and all that other shit that my head likes to tell me is happiness. but i do have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

that bowling ball sized hole in my gut has been filled, i have a God today, i have faith. ive learned how to be a daughter and a friend. im employable.

i learned how to live life. i can be a productive member of society. and 3 years ago the thought of that was unbearable.

i have choices today. i can choose how im going to spend my day. i can choose how im going to live my life. i didnt have a choice before. i COULD NOT take the pipe out of my mouth, there was no choice. i accepted that thats how i was going to spend my life and eventually it became ok to me. its not okay today. i choose to not die an alcoholic/addict death. i want to live today. i want to make a difference in life and not just be one of those hopeless zombies i see everyday.

before i came to recovery all i knew how to do was smoke dope, sell dope, come up, and HURT everyone i love in the process. i cant even express how grateful i am today. i got clean and sober at 18 years old. i never stuck a needle in my arm and i never got arrested. but i know what its like to live in addiction. and i now know what its like to live life on life's terms as it what meant to be lived. i can say today that LIFE AS IT IS... is worth it.



i am so unbelievably grateful for my life today.

Ashley