I Remember.....

i remember that horrible gut wrenching feeling i had. i remember the incomprehensible demoralization. i couldnt even look at myself in the mirror. i felt like there was a hole in my gut the size of a bowling ball. i was bankrupt. i had no God, No faith, and i was TIRED. the usual thing i would do when i felt like this was pick up the bottle or better yet the pipe... but i couldnt. the shit didnt work for me anymore. i remember i started drinking with the thought of 'if you cant beat em' you might as well join them' i started drinking because i didnt like the way i was feeling. and as ironic as it is, oct. 17th, 2004... i couldnt pick up the bottle or the pipe because it wasnt working anymore.

i was left with two options: either continue to live as if i were already dead. OR make a life changing decision and go to rehab. i went. i stayed for 16 months then moved back home to my moms. I have accomplished more in the 3 years ive been in recovery then i have in my 21 years of life. i got my GED. i went to college for drug and alcohol counseling- Graduated, and now i work with teenagers that are just like i was. i can look people in the eyes. and im comfortable in my own skin. i dont have all the money, cars, house with the white picket fence, prince charming and all that other shit that my head likes to tell me is happiness. but i do have a life beyond my wildest dreams.

that bowling ball sized hole in my gut has been filled, i have a God today, i have faith. ive learned how to be a daughter and a friend. im employable.

i learned how to live life. i can be a productive member of society. and 3 years ago the thought of that was unbearable.

i have choices today. i can choose how im going to spend my day. i can choose how im going to live my life. i didnt have a choice before. i COULD NOT take the pipe out of my mouth, there was no choice. i accepted that thats how i was going to spend my life and eventually it became ok to me. its not okay today. i choose to not die an alcoholic/addict death. i want to live today. i want to make a difference in life and not just be one of those hopeless zombies i see everyday.

before i came to recovery all i knew how to do was smoke dope, sell dope, come up, and HURT everyone i love in the process. i cant even express how grateful i am today. i got clean and sober at 18 years old. i never stuck a needle in my arm and i never got arrested. but i know what its like to live in addiction. and i now know what its like to live life on life's terms as it what meant to be lived. i can say today that LIFE AS IT IS... is worth it.



i am so unbelievably grateful for my life today.

Ashley