Doing something different

That night I bought 12 hits of esctasy...by that point. that's what I needed to feel what you were feeling I ate 6 and snorted up 2...and put the rest in my pocket and walked out of the bathroom

I had depleated my natural serotonin so badly....that that I was mad or sad...that was it....only if I ate a handful of pills...could I feel ok for a minute...but it never lasted....and I would look in disgust at those feeling the effects...and start checking my pockets for more money.

I got tired of that life...and decided drugs were my problem stoped doing speed, e, coke, k, acid...and just started drinking. That way I could be a normal human being like you.

It was fun to be apart of normal society...going to legal clubs and bars. Alcohol gave me a feeling of relief at the end of the week.

When I got into an arguement with someone...or acted the fool...the next day I never blammed it on the alcohol...what did the alcohol have to do with it

blackouts began.....I did not pass out...just forgot bits and pieces of the evening, and that secretly scared me.

I began to start drinking after everyone else began to control it, I change the types of alcohol I consumed, I changed the people I drank with

I thought I was trying something new...but I was trying the same thing over and over and over...expecting a new result

I did not want to give up alcohol...it was my friend...it made me smile, it made me dance, it made me say things I would never have the guts to say

...oh but it made me do things I would never do sober...and that scared me

one morning I awoke...the night before was not any worse than any other night...but I could see myself doing what I was doing.....I could finally see it as an outsider looking in...I started to cry...I knew I was defeated......my sister in law went to meetings so I knew where some were....I put my hair back...threw on a hoodie, and went...I knew if I stopped to think about it...I would talk myself out of it and be stuck again

I have almost 2 years clean and sober

I went and listened and found a way to really do something different this time


MC